Divorce is difficult enough, would you knowingly put yourself though needless pain and cost, when you could reduce the emotional fallout by using Divorce Tips?
If you are trying to minimise any additional upset, it’s important to think about the type of professional assistance you need to help end your relationship . The data on dignity shows, you need to ensure that everyone working on your team understands the importance of dignity. If they don’t have the research data on how dignity impacts outcomes or they can’t offer practical examples of the part that dignity has played in helping past client agreements, then, for the sake of your own wellbeing – think again! Don’t let yourself be tempted to choose someone known for their bullish approach. You may feel it gives you an advantage because you’re feeling vulnerable and are going into a system you’ve no idea about, but it WILL cost you dearly.
The cost isn’t simply in terms of your finances, the cost has many layers. As you and your divorcing spouse take up your battle positions, it will cost you time: you will become wrapped up in battle, while the months and years you could have used replenishing yourself and rebuilding your life roll on. One morning you’ll wake up having lost something you will never regain – your time.
After your decree absolute has arrived you’ll have to start, the journey a traditional divorce has put off. You will be faced with looking and building your future. If you’d chosen a different way to end your marriage, you would have experienced a team tailored to work with each of you as you focus and build individual futures during your divorce process. You would have avoided the lengthy traditional adversarial process, you would not have to repair the additional damage to your decision making process, confidence and trust, caused by the accumulation of further harm by using an adversarial system.
How can you protect yourself during divorce?
Often we lose our dignity during outbursts of anger or, when revengeful thoughts and actions are allowed to take up regular houseroom in our mind. You might think your ex partner deserves x, y and z.. but stop. Have you thought of the damage that train of thought is doing to the neural pathways in your own brain?
Do you know neuroscientists have found your children’s brains, register any emotional wounding they see or hear between you, as if it they had just experienced a physical injury to themselves? For this to happen they only need to hear or see something that distresses them.
As adults, you can only change your own behaviour, so it’s important to start by learning what sparks off the spiral of disrespect between you. Once you are aware of what the triggers are yo have a better chance of attempting not to allow those thoughts or actions to trigger events that spiral into shouting matches. The triggers will be unique between you plus, different things will trigger each of you.
If you notice you’ve stopped listening to the other person, make every effort not to feed that pattern by saying or doing things you know have caused a downward spiral in the past. Being able to stop the spiral is really beneficial. Below are 5 divorce tips to help you make life less painful. They ,ay seem very simple to read but you need to keep practicing them!
Practice one thing at a time. Choose something you think you have a chance of getting better at and build up to the harder tips later. The 5 tips below can be useful in lots of situations not simply with your spouse or partner, so you have daily opportunities to practice feeling confident, before you really need them..
Five Divorce Tips
Divorce Tip 1
If you’re arguing and your point isn’t being heard… breath deeply, count to ten and try to relax…
What happens when we engage in a shouting match, is the brain of the person shouting automatically stops processing at a complex level so they often misunderstand the response from the other person. While the brain of the person feeling shouted at, will automatically shut down some complex processing pathways, as their brain deals with maintaining safety once it registers being under attack.
Divorce Tip 2
Agree a word between you that you’ll both use as an amber or red flag… and stick to it!
You need to agree this word when you are both calm and agree that if either of you say this word in an argument it is an indicator for both of you to stop whatever is being discussed or stop the argument. Your sense of dignity and self respect will be damaged if you agree to stop on hearing or using the agreed word, but don’t then carry it through in practice. You will also lose the respect of the person you are in dispute with which damages trust, and trust is a cornerstone of resolving all agreements.
Divorce Tip 3
Agree time out.
Go for a walk to regain perspective and agree to speak at another time when you’re both calmer.That may not be until the next day or a week later, if you attempt to push the other person into another discussion when you know they are not emotionally ready to discuss things, you are mentally re wounding the person, in exactly the same way we looked at when pain is inflicted by physical wounding someone.
Divorce is difficult enough and just because your relationship has failed, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t create the best divorce outcomes you can for each of you and those you love.
Divorce Tip 4
Do not ignore your child’s distress.
Children are affected by insecurity, seeing adults in distress or overhearing parents arguing! If your child’s behaviour has changed at home or teachers notice something different at school, it could well be a response to the disturbances around them. Checking things over with a child or family specialist as soon as you become aware of anything, is something every responsible parent thinks of, then the child seems ok again and the thought goes away… until the next time. You can more easily help your child through difficult times, when you know what to expect and how to normalise and reassure your child as they go through different developmental stages during this separation, divorce and re-settling process.
Divorce Tip 5
The way a couple divorce often reflects how their relationship has been.
If you don’t want the end of your relationship to be a continuation of the mistakes that lead to where you both are now, you can minimise further damage by getting conflict resolution help, so you agree the things that are important for each of you. That way your divorce does not become another place where what’s important to you cannot be dealt with simply because it doesn’t fit within the limited legal framework.